


silence and noise

by starkovsnesta



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Longing, these two are not able to have a decent conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28955733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkovsnesta/pseuds/starkovsnesta
Summary: "Cassian was as attracted to her coldness as she was to his warmth. And while neither of them ever wanted to admit that somehow their souls were always searching each other in the dark, they both welcomed the crumbs that the other left them."..or, nesta and cassian can't sleep at night and they find each other in the kitchen together.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	silence and noise

The walls became narrower and narrower. It was a dark room, the darkness solid enough to climb all the way up over her legs, torso, arms, and chest. Yes, the darkness tightened her chest, overbearing.

"Surrender" whispered in her ear with her muffled voice. But Nesta could not respond.

She continued to drown. And drown.

"Nesta" she called her.

Her name sounded like a hiss. "Nesta", another voice was added. And another one.

She closed her eyes, trying to drive away the noise but with no result. She could not send the darkness away, she could not silence the voices.

She tried and tried again every night. But it was all useless.

So, she surrendered.

\-------

She woke up reeling, her hands clasped to her heart as if this would be enough to calm its tumult.

It was still late at night, barely a ray of moonlight came in through the window.

Nesta closed her eyes, inhaled deeply for a few seconds and then let her breath go.

The process had to be repeated for a good half an hour before it took effect. When her heart finally calmed down, the woman decided to get out of bed and head for the kitchen.

This wasn't the first time she had a nightmare, nor was it the first time this particular scenario had tormented her like this. She did not understand its meaning, and most of the time she preferred to forget rather than think about it.

Cassian's small house was cozy. A medium-sized cottage, clearly not intended to be shared with several people. The bare walls showed signs of aged paint. Everything was reminiscent of the past, a small casket suspended in time.

Sometimes, Nesta felt she could get used to that simple life. She had been living there for a few months now. She was not happy, yet she could not say she was sad. Somehow, staying away from Velaris made it easier for her to ignore some of her demons.

The male who lived with her tried every day to knock down her walls, never discouraged by how his fire went out once it fell on the stone fortress she had built. Cassian burned with a living fire. It was very different from the chilling one that consumed Nesta.

He was as welcoming as the four walls that housed her, and like the latter, she felt as if he were surrounding her.

He was in everything she did, in everything she thought, in the few times she opened her mouth. He flowed in her veins like her blood, and while everything seemed to her as a fruit of her own mind, he was an undeniable reality for her. Maybe that was the reason why sometimes she found it hard to face. Reality had the bad habit to make her suffocate, and the only solution , the only way she could breathe again was by ignoring it completely. And yet, the darkness followed her around. Sometimes quietly, not making a sound. Other times louder and louder, inviting her to welcome her embrace. This were the times where she had to fight with all of her fragile strength, and also the moments when she thought most of giving up. Cassian saw it all. Like her darkness, sometimes he stood by her silently. Other times, he made noise. He provoked her, sometimes screamed at her, sometimes teased her. As if he wanted his light to overcome her.

For this reason, she was not surprised when she entered the kitchen and found him sitting in a chair, silent.

His arms were resting on the table. His head tilted, his defeated gaze pointed at the wood as if it could reveal some hidden truth to him.

She knew that he had heard her footsteps and felt her closeness, yet he did not look up.

"Can't you sleep either?" he only asked her in a soft voice.

Nesta answered with a small sound of assent.

He looked up at her, who stood in front of the door.

He pointed a chair at her with his hand, inviting her to sit down.

"I will prepare a herbal tea," he said, and he stood up without waiting for her answer.

The woman had the impression that he was not doing it to do her a favor, but rather to have something to do, a goal although small.

For once, she did not stop him. 

She was too tired even to fight, she realized. And from the way his shoulders were curved, she knew that the same was true for him.

Neither of them could sleep well at night.

Sometimes Nesta would hear him fidgeting in his bed, whispering words in a language she did not know, but which seemed familiar to her because of the desperation with which they were pronounced. Other times, on those nights when all she could do was stare at the ceiling hoping that it would collapse on her, she would hear him get out of bed and wander around the house like a ghost, looking for something.

Those were the times when Nesta felt a strange instinct making room inside her, to move the blankets and go to him, just to make him aware of her presence. She would not tell him anything, she would just show herself to him. She would show herself.

What would have changed? How would it have helped him? She did not know.

But when, at the beginning of her alcohol detoxification, she had found herself hugging the toilet and throwing up whatever was still in her stomach, he was there.

He never went into the bathroom with her, knowing that she did not want to be seen in that painful state.

He remained outside the closed door, invisible to her eyes but present.

He wouldn't leave until her pulse calmed down. When her ears would ring from the pain, from the voices who did not shut up inside her head, she would find herself concentrating on his heartbeat. It marveled her how fast it was, a continuous sound, that managed to distract her mind. There were times when that heartbeat lulled her to sleep, so she often fell asleep on that cold floor, but miraculously woke up on the warm bed.

Cassian was as attracted to her coldness as she was to his warmth. And while neither of them ever wanted to admit that somehow their souls were always searching each other in the dark, they both welcomed the crumbs that the other left them.

Cassian put a steaming cup of tea in front of her. She whispered a "thank you" and drank. For a long moment, neither of them said a word.

"Is it to your liking?" asked the male in front of her.

She looked at him. Seeing him so tired made her heart ache a little bit, but her face remained unreadable when she replied "I will be satisfied", her tone the personification of superiority.

He laughed slightly.

"What would I do without your sweet words, darling?"

"It doesn't concern me," she replied, and then "don't call me that".

"Admit it, you actually love it when I call you that". He came slightly closer when he said those words. She didn’t know if the teasing was just a device to get his own mind off whatever was keeping him from rest, from peace.

Nesta puffed annoyed, hoping this would hide the slight redness that had risen to her cheeks due to the proximity. Even after months, she couldn’t stop herself. Mostly so when she felt this vulnerable.

"I would say that you say these things to sleep better at night but clearly, this is not the case".

Cassian burst out laughing, throwing his head back. The sound sent a vibration inside her, and she chilled a little.

He looked at her with his eyes wide open. "Did I really just hear a joke from Nesta Archeron?"

"Please don't let anyone hear you. I have a reputation"

Cassian whistled, "I don't think people could be less terrified of you even if you were to pursue a career as a court jester, sweetheart."

Nesta smiled a little. When he described her that way, he did so with admiration and respect. Almost as if she were a dreaded general like him.

It made her wonder if he saw her that way, as an equal. It wasn’t a thing men did when confronted to her. She knew she didn’t meet the expectations of human society, that as a woman she wasn’t meant to be proud and strong-willed. Ever since she was a kid, she had hoped inside of her that she could change the rules somehow. Be just as the heroines in her precious books, and make a man fall in love with her just by existing. But she had learnt the hard way that somehow dreams were just meant to be that. Thomas had proved it to her. And yet, Cassian was everything she never expected a man to be. Especially towards a woman. He was teasing and provoking, sure. But he could also be gentle and respectful. He never forced himself on her, defying her most profound fears. Instead, he waited patiently for her to give him what she wanted, even if she knew her drops left him unsatisfied.

"You are not terrified of me, though," she reminded him.

He sneered, "Oh no, the truth is danger has an annoying tendency to attract me."

She laid her arms on the table and leaned a little towards him. She couldn't help but notice the way his jaw tightened, and his eyes fell for a brief moment on her lips.

A thrill of energy burst inside her, enjoying the distraction that this conversation was giving her.

"Are you saying I'm dangerous, General?"

"Terribly."

In response, she smiled.

They continued to observe each other, two tired souls awakened by the same desire. It would have been so easy to abandon herself in his arms, allowing him to hold her tight to himself until he suffocated her.

But this would have given him a power that Nesta was not ready to give away.

She didn't know if she would ever be.

She desired him. And yet, the idea of lowering her defenses for a time, even just to have sex, terrified her.

And she was sure that no matter what she repeated to herself, sleeping with him would please her heart as much as her body.

And she could not allow it.

In Cassian's eyes seemed to burn the same battle.

Their faces were a few inches away. She could see the way he looked at her.

If only she had come a little bit closer, just a little bit -

"What nightmare won't let you sleep?" he suddenly asked her.

She violently withdrew, as if someone had slapped her in the face.

She had forgotten her dream.

"What do you care?" she asked him abruptly.

How dare he bring her back to reality like that? But as she demanded it to herself, with rage, she also gave herself the answer: he is as real as a forest fire can be. She could pretend he was not there, but that wouldn’t stop him from getting closer and closer, until she could feel her skin burn, she could feel herself be marked by him. There was no way to stop it. And again, the only solution was to run away. To build a tower that was so high, so hard, that all his fire could was to accept the defeat.

He shrugged "Simple curiosity."

But from the way he kept staring at her, Nesta knew it was much more than that.

"What is it? Are you anxious to tell your beloved High Lady that her devastated sister can't sleep at night?" she spat poisonously.

Cassian stiffened.

Feyre was a delicate subject between them. His loyalty to her sister made her angry. No one seemed to notice the faults of the young fae, or rather they decided to justify them without too much thought.

"She cares about you," he replied, just as she expected.

She snorted. "Sure, because my little sister is so good and dear, isn't she? She is doing all of this for me, not to get rid of a dead weight."

Cassian stood up and stood in front of her. His fists were clenched.

"Don't talk like that" he imposed.

She remembered his face in battle, his eyes lit up with rage, his body alive and full of a force capable of destroying everything around him.

She remembered his words

I have no regret but this.

_No_. Nesta repelled those thoughts with all her strength, closing herself in her coldness.

She watched him recognize her defense mechanism instantly. Cassian's face changed.

"I think I'll go to bed now," she announced, before she could turn around and climb the stairs ignoring the male who called for her blood like a siren, he grasped her hand. They both seemed to paralyze at the gesture. They were brought back in time, at a terrible night who had scarred them deeper than they could admit. Nesta looked at him in the eyes, daring him to plead her as he did when she broke his heart. But he didn’t. Instead, he let go gently, and with a tired tone he asserted ”I wish I could hate you.”

It was a punch she didn’t expect, but she knew she deserved. She did not know what hurt more: the fact that he had tried to feel like that towards her, or his impossibility of him to do so despite everything, despite _her_. She climbed the stairs with fury.

She reached the door to her room quickly, anxious to get rid of that annoying feeling that had been insidious in her belly. That desire to scream, to destroy something, to fight.

She closed her eyes as soon as she was in her room.

She breathed deeply, then let her breath go, trying to catch her control again. For a moment, there was only the dark inside her room. No sound was made by either of them, as if scared of the consequence it could cause. If only a few words could make her burn and get cold at once, what would happen if they were to sit down and actually have a discussion about every single thing they felt? Before she could go back to bed, though, she heard his voice faintly whisper "you are not a dead weight".

She stopped in front of her bed for a moment. And, before she could stop it, before she could go back to pretend that nothing could ever touch her, a quiet tear slid on her cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! I haven't published about these two in a long time, but i can't stop thinking about them. Nesta is an important character to me, I relate to her on a personal level and I hope I did her justice with this small one shot. Let me know if you liked it, or if you didn't. I accept criticism as long as it is constructive and it makes me grow.  
> I hope you are all safe and happy, God bless you all.


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